President Donald Trump says millions of illegal votes were cast in favor of Hillary Clinton and many of them were by dead people. He’s right. I should know. I am a zombie, and I voted for Clinton.
Now, you may try to use facts to argue that I am not a zombie. I am alive. I don’t eat people. I don’t have body parts falling off. I don’t even watch zombie movies or TV shows.
Well, here’s why I am a zombie. I live in a zombie neighborhood. (I live only a few houses down from the house used in the pilot for the Walking Dead). My Presidential candidate was a zombie candidate. She was so zombie she didn’t even campaign in Michigan and Wisconsin. My current President is zombie to the truth. And every time I think of my new President, I go dead inside.
I am a zombie.
As an alternative to a person, I am into alternative facts.
You may not be familiar with alternative facts. Well, under the new President, it is a thing. Here’s the quick story. President Trump was upset by pictures that showed fewer people at his inauguration than President Obama’s first inauguration. He sent his Press Secretary out to read an angry screed blaming the media for reporting the facts. The screed was full of non-truths. The next day on Meet the Press, the President’s Communication Director claimed the Press Secretary was using “alternative facts” when he told blatant falsehoods.
Once I heard this, my zombie eyes were opened. I came to understand the way the President views the world.
He is right, the media lies — as long as you believe alternative facts. On Saturday, the President went to the CIA and said the media lied when it said he had a feud with the intelligence community. The media pointed to a Trump tweet in which he said the intelligence community was allowing fake news and wondered whether he was living in Nazi Germany. Well, here is an alternative fact, Twitter Trump is not the same as President Trump. So, the media lied when it said President Trump did it because it was Twitter Trump.
This is fun! Let’s say I forgot my zombie wife’s birthday. She gets mad. Alternative fact: I remembered her birthday and bought her a portrait of President Trump . Now, if she’s mad, it’s her fault. She forgot the great portrait of the guy who likes to tweet I bought her. (Another alternative fact: she wants such a portrait).
Millions of women marched across the world to protest President Trump. Alternative fact: women and men marched around the world because they love all the things President Trump has said and what he plans to do. They all marched to say, “Thank you Donald!”
That brings me back to the President’s claim that 3 to 5 million people voted illegally for Clinton. The lying media says that isn’t true. It challenged the President to prove it. The President cited a report from the Pew Foundation that said there are a lot of people who have died who have not been cleared off the voter rolls. It did not say those people voted. Alternative fact: the Pew Foundation reported that zombies voted in the election.
Regardless of the fact that there is no evidence of fraud, the President is demanding an investigation.
That’s bad news for we zombies — all 3 to 5 million of us.
That is why I am coming out of the grave to admit I am who I am. I am a zombie. I voted for Clinton.
But now that I have embraced my zombie pride, I am excited about alternative facts.
Here are some of my favorite new alternative facts.
Donald Trump is not President. We can believe what the President says when his mouth moves. Women can feel safe near the President. Our President does not tweet ugly and offensive statements on a regular basis. This Administration takes seriously that the Russians interfered with our election. Millions of people will not lose Medicaid and health insurance. The United States will continue to fight global warming.
And that’s the zombie truth.